Mom is in the hospital and now she can’t go back to the assisted living facility. Dad is having a difficult time of it and is numbing himself with concern about material things like drawing up a plan for dividing the room equitably with a new roommate. He doesn’t want to let go of any of his stuff. Stuff! It’s such a burden. I have the same disease as him. I have too much stuff. Afraid to get rid of it as if it is a part of me or a protection from loss. I see and feel it as a burden. He does not. Dad, you are almost fucking 90! What do you need all this crap for? It will just be more for us to deal with when you finally leave this earth. As it is, moving Mom will be a big ordeal. So much to get rid of. What’s the point of it all? What am I afraid of? What will I miss out on by not having my calculus notes or my binder of proofs from Foundations of Math? Why do I need to keep a squeaky bird I got at a child’s birthday party 15 years ago? All this stuff just clutters up my house, my mind, my life.
I have been feeling pretty hopeless lately. I still have that damn hole in my belly and I’m gaining weight-like I need anymore. If I am this fat and I get real old it will make things really difficult. It is already making everything difficult. Which brings me to the point of what is the point of trying to take better care of myself? It’s a battle between life and death. Right now I want to die young. I don’t want to go through what Mom is going through. I feel like it is a hopeless task to lose weight. Most people can’t do it. If I can’t I might as well die soon. If I can lose it I would have by now don’t you think? Why is this such an issue? It used to be about looks and self-esteem. Now it is about health, pain, medical issues, being a burden (literally) in my old age. I haven’t got any kids to take care of me.
I told Dad, death is a part of life. He said “but I’m not ready to go yet” I asked didn’t his faith help him? and he said yes, it did. My faith tells me that whatever I don’t deal with in this life will be waiting for me to deal with in another life. But I am so tired and sore that I don’t care. I just want to veg out and move on to the next life. At least I can start out young again. Maybe I will be wiser. I have been so stupid in this life. I have not appreciated what I had and not used my gifts. Why can’t I use my gifts? And how do I use them? What am I here for?
Been watching Roswell again. It is such a comfort to me. To see Jason Behr’s characterization of Max Evans and to relive my youth. I just noticed the other day that he has Chris’s legs. Wow! Didn’t get that connection before. What if Chris was the love of my life and I just threw it all away out of fear or some madness? I don’t hold out any hope for love or romance in my life now. Not gonna happen. Fuck it.
Easter weekend will be all fun and games with On Location Tours’ Sex and the City Hotspots Tour. Earn fabulous Easter egg prizes along the way by knowing your Sex and the City trivia. The grand prize winner will get a Rabbit from the Pleasure Chest, where Charlotte buys her rabbit on the show! All of this while, of course, seeing the city that these four fabulous ladies call home. You’ll stop and have cosmos at “Scout,” the bar owned by Aidan, go to the restaurant where Carrie has her wedding rehearsal dinner, and stuff your face with cupcakes just like the girls while hearing behind the scene secrets from tour guides who are real New York City actresses. So, brush up on your Sex and the City episodes ladies, and book now before seats fill up.

This morning I had yogurt for breakfast. I am lacking motivation lately. Honestly I need a bouquet of flowers or something. lol But tomorrow is another day. But I think I’m going to do another 10-21 day veggie cleanse/fast. Yeah I’ve said a lot of things, but whatever. It is what it is… and I say that with a big smile on my face. lol





Oh, Jane Eyre.
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Beginning today, I’m going to be traveling 3 1/2 hours away from home for work-related travel. I have to say, I am not looking forward to it AT ALL. 

It’s been a week since I joined the Spring Fling Challenge and I am down 2.1 pounds, my weight today was 248.9! My total weight loss since June 1, 2009, is 57.1 pounds! I am really enjoying the group of ladies I met over at The Hood, they all seem pretty incredible!
right side of her heart is enlarged and in failure. Now that she is getting older it’s harder for her to be as active as she would like. The other day we went to the mall and her stroller was in the other car, of course the mall didn’t rent strollers (just my luck). Her heart works pretty hard and she becomes easily short winded. She saw the water fountain and her face just lit up and in this sweet voice she said to me, look mom the water fountain come on and run. Times like this is when I wish some I had someone following us around with cameras, I wish everyone could have seen her face and to see her run (its more of a waddle) it was just too cute. She got so short winded from the little sprint that she started coughing and then the vomiting started and just kept on going (good thing I had a plastic bag with me). She said to me, mom I’m all done and I feel better, can we go home now! I just love her. As you can see, she doesn’t look sick and I know we are blessed because I can’t imagine how it is for those families who’s child is sick and looks sick. When she got sick and not being able to do anything for her (you know fix her) just made me want to crawl up into a ball and cry but I didn’t, I just kept in my head all the silly faces, her dancing in the store, rearranging all the shoes at Nordstrom’s (sure they loved that) I held onto all the fun we had up until that point. So I am very grateful that my Jewel doesn’t look like her heart is in failure, I think that would chip away pieces of my heart everyday if I had that in your face reminder.