Mom is in the hospital and now she can’t go back to the assisted living facility. Dad is having a difficult time of it and is numbing himself with concern about material things like drawing up a plan for dividing the room equitably with a new roommate. He doesn’t want to let go of any of his stuff. Stuff! It’s such a burden. I have the same disease as him. I have too much stuff. Afraid to get rid of it as if it is a part of me or a protection from loss. I see and feel it as a burden. He does not. Dad, you are almost fucking 90! What do you need all this crap for? It will just be more for us to deal with when you finally leave this earth. As it is, moving Mom will be a big ordeal. So much to get rid of. What’s the point of it all? What am I afraid of? What will I miss out on by not having my calculus notes or my binder of proofs from Foundations of Math? Why do I need to keep a squeaky bird I got at a child’s birthday party 15 years ago? All this stuff just clutters up my house, my mind, my life.
I have been feeling pretty hopeless lately. I still have that damn hole in my belly and I’m gaining weight-like I need anymore. If I am this fat and I get real old it will make things really difficult. It is already making everything difficult. Which brings me to the point of what is the point of trying to take better care of myself? It’s a battle between life and death. Right now I want to die young. I don’t want to go through what Mom is going through. I feel like it is a hopeless task to lose weight. Most people can’t do it. If I can’t I might as well die soon. If I can lose it I would have by now don’t you think? Why is this such an issue? It used to be about looks and self-esteem. Now it is about health, pain, medical issues, being a burden (literally) in my old age. I haven’t got any kids to take care of me.
I told Dad, death is a part of life. He said “but I’m not ready to go yet” I asked didn’t his faith help him? and he said yes, it did. My faith tells me that whatever I don’t deal with in this life will be waiting for me to deal with in another life. But I am so tired and sore that I don’t care. I just want to veg out and move on to the next life. At least I can start out young again. Maybe I will be wiser. I have been so stupid in this life. I have not appreciated what I had and not used my gifts. Why can’t I use my gifts? And how do I use them? What am I here for?
Been watching Roswell again. It is such a comfort to me. To see Jason Behr’s characterization of Max Evans and to relive my youth. I just noticed the other day that he has Chris’s legs. Wow! Didn’t get that connection before. What if Chris was the love of my life and I just threw it all away out of fear or some madness? I don’t hold out any hope for love or romance in my life now. Not gonna happen. Fuck it.
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