Consistency. Blink. Blink.
Okay, focus, focus. I did my exercise today and hard. In the process of cleaning a few things up in my room, I found my pedometer. I know you’re supposed to get 10,000 steps in a day, at a bare minimum. Well, smart alecks, I have a desk job and I sit at that desk a lot of the day. Some idiots comment on the fact I’m always at my desk. Well, that’s where the work is and the computer to do the work. Should I wander around aimlessly to add steps on the pedometer and appease some sense….okay, tangent. At any rate, I’m working my way to 5,000 with consistency starting, well, today. But, having ran and walked and gadded about for 45 minutes, I’m at 4500. So hopefully I can find some ways to get more in during the day and more water.
I’ve been thinking about salt intake and how that might be an issue. But, that’s a meal at a time kind of thing and the damn peanuts I bought out of hunger today are another tripwire. Oh, hallo imperfection and wavering lines.
Me? I’m doing okay. I’m trying not to see more than one bird at a time, and not overwhelm myself. Monday is another food day at work with a bowling tournament where the choices are Mexican, Italian, or maybe Subway. I don’t know yet what I’m going to do or how tough I’ll be on myself if I eat poorly. I know what we’ll have and I love it and I wonder if I’ll give in or not. But, the thing is…Wednesday night? Pizza is ordered for our meeting. And I know, logically, nothing is making that go into me. Nothing is making me have to have any interaction with it at all. But my brain is telling me things like now I deserve it. I deserve to fall backwards? I deserve to give up? I don’t know. I do have more control. And I’m not the person that has to revel in food for emotional sustenance. Not in 2010. There are other places to go for that.
Also! Lest I forget. I made a whole vlog and wanted to post it, but no fooling, it was all sped up and didn’t upload right. I am thinking that if/when I work it out, I’ll post a link here. I don’t know how comfortable I am with a fluidity of this identity with a visual one. I know that should all be part of this self-acceptance adventure, but I gotta be a little self-aware, too and not jump in head first. If one area gets a bit poisoned, as things on the internet are bound to do, I don’t want to have to lose the other. Especially not this project. It’s starting to mean something to me, more than just a place to dump all my bullshit for free, but as possibly a documentation of my emerging humanity or something. My emergent self-love. Ah, no. Um. Something. It means something and I’m not just stalling for words, it’s just elusive and I can’t name it yet.
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