Stats: Started 164.5
Today:154
Blah, blah, blah. Yes.
I know it is salt and water and not overeating. I’m on my plan and have things I want to do today such as huddle up and play video games and clean the smallest amount of my messy house and finish reading a Song of Ice and Fire, at least the first book, and do my five mile walk and stop itching so I want to get this entry done and posted so I can stop obsessing over it.
I cannot stop. I don’t have any interest in stopping. I just have to keep on keeping on. I can wear the size medium coat. I wasn’t going to buy the coat, because there were no size larges but I can fit the medium and my arms fit it in it and it’s good. So. I don’t know what I’m going to do about food today. There’s some stuff about and I’m not terribly hungry and I’m not going out in the snow for anyone so there’s nothing to do but just accept the reality and do my best to not let it get under my skin.
So. Yeah. Valentine’s Day. I’m not seeing anyone, but I have a few things on the horizon, on the books, as it were. It’s much better than Valentine’s past. I’m okay with acknowledging the date this year and not sneering at it or feeling a titanic weight on my chest over it. It’s just like this pathless journey, it’s a marker, but it being this day or tomorrow or December 6 doesn’t change anything if you don’t imbue it with meaning and judge yourself for it.
I really want to judge myself for my shortcomings because then I can feel guilt and shame and all these big, ungainly things that have to be managed and I can justify not thinking clearly about my goals and working towards them. I’ve written a post every single day since I started this in January. It’s only six weeks and I’m terrified, but I’m here. I’m going to see my friends in July and I want more than anything to just enjoy the time, to not feel awkward and disappointed in myself. I want control of this journey.
And maybe I can’t have control.
Which is hard as hell for me to take or understand or accept. I control my own chaotic life by a knife’s blade. I don’t go crazy or take big risks generally. I am quiet and hold back things I mean to say, and I pre-eviscerate events where I am not sure of the outcome to keep myself from any uncontrolled emotion. Because the outcome could take my life somewhere and it’s like I have no inner will to change things. That if I let myself feel love, I will end up with the wrong person and I’d have to make a painful escape or live somehow with never finding the right, magical person who is out there and I would feel perfect about.
Well, clearly, despite the scale, I can manage to make change and stick to things and adapt. I can do it. I just have to convince my head.
And drink some damn water.
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