Sometimes I would like to change my world. Not so much change my whole reality but just the part of me that holds me back, makes me second guess everything that I want to do for/by me. You know the voice we all have one, I am guessing that some are meaner then others. Here lately mine has been a real harpy, I would like to punch her in the neck.
For, a very long time (maybe about 4 years) I was pretty secure in myself. I had accepted that I was fine just how I was. My Dear Hubby loved me just the way I was, he thought I was beautiful really what more do I need, right? So I was OK with me as me, which in turn made making good changes easier for me to do. I was improving what I liked about me not trying to change the things that I hated about me. So I started to run, and eat right. I was losing weight and feeling really good about how I was looking. But, now that other then walking there is no running or other physical activity, “She” is back. That voice in my head that has nothing be mean things to say about the way I look, how I fix my hair and makeup. She is mean spirited to everyone, and is hard pressed to find positive things to say even on good days. I really don’t like her very much She is no fun to be around. I was very happy with the vacation that I had from her influences. She makes me contemplate getting body slimmer (You know the ones that make it near impossible to take a full breath or bend over, due to fear of cutting ones self in half.) to hold in the bumps and flab that she thinks is ugly. She makes me feel frustrated and frumpy when I can not get my hair or make up to look perfect. She makes me doubt in my ability to do just about anything. She is very good a pushing all the buttons that make me feel sorry for myself.
I am pretty sure you know by know that I maybe just a bit crazy, but who of us are truly not just a bit crazy, I mean look around.. But I am sure that the pervious paragraph slides me up on the crazy scale just a bit more toward the top. But, honestly I know that there is no She and that it is all my own doing, all the bad mouthing and self hate talk. I know this but, it is kinda nice to be able to blame “someone” else for it. I also know that I am the only one who can change it, I have done it before we were BFFs for a while, and once I got her to shut the eff up we did OK. (I still know that she is not real). She was in the back round as motivation more then anything else.
There was a sense of accomplishment with the running. Fat people are not able to run or at least shouldn’t run. Walking or riding a bike(that was said to me with a tone that was nothing short of disdain, by a Dr.) It is bad for knees and joints, did you know that running puts like 10 time your weight on your knees (yes, I make stuff up) with each step you run. Why dear lord why would you want to do that to yourself? I have been told by more than one Dr. that I should stick with walking because of my weight it would be too much for my knees to handle. But I was willing to take that risk, and I don’t like being told I can’t do something. So, guess what it was not the knees that gave me the issue that may have lead to the end of my running career it was my feet. Stupid feet that had plantar issues and ligament strains; they were just a general pain to me. Feet that just didn’t get on board with the program. I would tape them so I could run, at some point it was just to walk or just to get up out of bed most days. I have gotten most of the foot issue worked out; I have stopped wearing shoes, all shoes at this time. I was not running with anything other then my bare feet, the times that I have run in the last two months or so. There is very little to no pain associated with running anymore for me. But, some how I can not get out there and do it. It was part of this silly Deal that I made with myself, so far that has been stricken from the rules of the game. (I can do that I am the one that made them up to being with. So, there!)
I would like to go back to being friends with my inner voice, who I can not punch in the neck. There is still something standing in the way of the running. Deals, threats and chocolate have not worked to get me back on the road so to speak. I am not sure what is going to make me stand out again if I don’t have running.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Deal - Day 21
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