I was talking with some friends last Saturday night about fear. I found it fascinating as I was talking about my fear, they responded with disbelief and words like “brave” and “courageous.”
Isn’t it interesting how VERY DIFFERENT our perceptions are?
In my opinion, I am a total chickensh*t about all sorts of things.
Sunday was the last glorious day of my vacation. I spent it in my PJ’s with full custody of the remote. (Mike was at work.) I watched Dirty Dancing for probably the millionth time. (One of my favorite movies from the 80’s) I was struck by the scene where Johnny tells Baby “You ain’t scared of nothing.” Her response was an incredulous “Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.”
I totally related to that scene.
I am scared to blog. For years, I have enjoyed a huge variety of scrappy, photography, and weight loss blogs. These bloggers have inspired me, moved me, made me laugh and cry, all without ever knowing me. I am an observer, not even the type to comment on a blog. For a couple of years, I have *thought* about blogging, but never did. I was scared of being witty enough, interesting enough, and intelligent enough to have anything to say that would hold a reader’s interest. Not even sure that I had enough to say that I really wanted to document for even myself.
My Storypeople email arrived on 1/3/10 
WHY am I waiting? What am I waiting for? What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of what people think. I inherited that trait from my amazingly wonderful mom who everyone absolutely adores. (Including me.) I can stand back and say to her, “why do you worry so much about what other’s think? You rock exactly the way you are!” But push come to shove… I hate to admit that I am (to a lesser extent) the same way. I. Hate. That.
I work in a position that requires me to be in the public eye a lot. I have to do media interviews and public speaking frequently. One would think that after giving speeches for the past 15 years or so, it would be old hat. But every single time I still have a moment prior to speaking where I totally panic and fret. I worry that I won’t be emotional/funny/interesting/intriguing enough. I worry that I will be compared to other past speakers. I worry about how I will be judged by my size and if I will lose any credibility because of that. I worry about dazzling them enough to overcome any stereotypes. Mostly… (and I admit this) I am my own worst enemy. The REALLY ironic thing? I would categorize myself as a confident woman. And this last paragraph sounds *nothing* like a woman who is full of confidence.
I have been thinking about this post for a week now. I think that I have put the concept of blogging and giving a speech into the same category. I think that is why I am afraid to blog. I freaked out after the first day when I had all of these hits. I even called my friend to ask “if only a few people know that I am doing this, where are all of these people coming from?” Anxiety kicked in big time.
The Storypeople email from 1/2/10 was another nudge. Interesting that these two emails came back to back.
Here’s the Story of the Day: “Beyond Caring”
“I don’t have many vices beyond caring what other people think, she said, but that’s a big one.”
I need to stop worrying and caring so much about what others think. FEAR is wasted energy. I don’t have time for this much fear in my life!
Something clicked for me at the end of November in regards to weight loss. I adopted a “Just Do It!” mentality. I know how to lose weight. I have done it a hundred times over. I think that the piece that was missing for me was the accountability to myself. The declaration of “owning” this intention of wanting to lose weight. I mean, if I don’t actually say it, then I don’t actually have to do it right? (grimace) All of these weird mind games have taken up too many years of my life. I have been overweight for the past 30 years. I think in my heart, I honestly believed that was just how it was. Overweight was one of my definitions. I live a full happy life. My weight hasn’t interfered with that, or so I believed.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe… after all this time… I finally have my head in the game and I am not afraid to own that. This is the time to document this journey here. This blog is for me. It helps keep me focused and accountable. I am going to open up this blog and just *get through* the fear of caring what others think. This is a time of owning this committment and going for it.
Fear holds me back. Fear should not be a part of that equation.
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