As of today, I have 365 more days of 2010 to take care of some things:
365 days to create the life that I want.
366 days to shape the foundation of how I will spend the rest of my twenties.
I turn 21 in exactly a month tomorrow.
Officially no longer a teenager.
A woman… FOR REAL!
But what kind of woman do I want to be?
- First and foremost, I want to be A HEALTHY WOMAN. Now, when I say “healthy”, I don’t mean this superficial “healthy” that women with weight problems say when they really mean “I want to be skinny”. I want to be HEALTHY as in: having all my whacked-out hormonal issues become as NORMAL as they can (since countless Endocrinologists have told me that they will never truly be normal again), I want my body to be in balance and I want my body to FEEL like a 20 year old’s body should feel like… because I KNOW it’s not supposed to feel like this!
- Secondly… I want to be SKINNY! Okay, okay, I know that I called the aforementioned statement “superficial” but what I meant was that saying “I want to be healthy” but really meaning “I WANT TO BE SKINNY” is superficial. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be thin, but covering it up with some sugar-coated euphemism isn’t’ fooling anyone, and I’m not trying to fool you OR myself. So yes, I would like to drop some weight. Ideally, 20 pounds (not because I’m going to be that age, but because my bod does NOT like the 170’s… the 150’s would be nice).
- I’d like to be LESS STRESSED, which (now that I think of it) is a pretty ironic feat to achieve since my Cortisol levels will probably NEVER allow my body to be technically “relaxed” thanks to CONSTANTLY elevated Cortisol levels after two brain surgeries.
- Oh… speaking of BRAIN SURGERIES: In a few weeks, I’ll be one year post-op from my SECOND pituitary surgery and in September I’ll be TWO YEARS post-op from my FIRST surgery (yes… very confusing!). It’s kind of surreal and crazy to think that I’ve gone through the same surgery twice, with pretty good results… both those operations still haven’t cured me like I’d hoped they would. So as I continue to go to (often disappointing) follow-up doctors appointments and continue to hear disheartening news that my hormone levels are either too high or too low or WHATEVER, I still THANK GOD none of the doctors have told me I need a THIRD surgery or any other major medical intervention.
- I want to be a HAPPY woman. The more I think about my life (in general) over the past few years after the whole “Cushing’s journey”, I’ve realized that all the wonderful things that came of it; finding a new life perspective, inner strength and meeting incredible people that I would have NEVER met before, It’s also impacted my life negatively in ways that are going to take some time to fix. Besides changing my insides, my outsides have suffered the consequences of weight gain and aging that has turned an energetic dancer into a slow and heavy person that just doesn’t move like she used to. I wake up most mornings dreading doing things and having to get myself into a positive mindset so that my whole day doesn’t suck. I never used to have to do that. Happiness came easy. I would like to regain my inner joy in 2010; the joy that comes from just loving life and being alive. I need to get that back.
- I also want to be an ATHLETIC woman! Of course this brings me to the exercise point of my New Year’s goals. I would *like* to run a 5k then a 10k then something longer later in the year… a 10-miler? A half-marathon? SOMETHING! I want to be able to just run on a whim and NOT pass out! I mean (random thought!) but what if somebody just started CHASING me with the intent to KILL and I couldn’t outrun them?! I’d be dead! So as you can see, regaining my physical fitness for the purpose of ensuring a long life is an important one for me this year! And besides running races or just running for health, I would also like to explore more classes and things that are fun along with consistent strength training to get me those long, lean, sexy muscles that everybody seems to want these days ;-D.
- I’d also LOVEEEE to be a BETTER BLOGGER. Okay… I won’t speak at length at how disappointed I–a pretty talented and seasoned writer–am in myself that I CAN’T SEEM TO BLOG AS OFTEN AS I’D LIKE! I know there’s no “blogger rules” or anything like that but I soooo don’t take the time to get things off my mind enough, and holding things in KILLS ME! I want to be a better blogger in 2010 because I have so much to say and if I need to get it out in the form of prose or poetry, where else would be a better place than on MY BLOG to do it! Chalk it up to laziness
, but I shall overcome! - Lastly and probably MOST important to my sanity would be to become a FEARLESS woman, and when I say fearless, I mean NOT AFRAID OF FOOD. Yeah…… food and I have a pretty jacked-up relationship at this point. Now, I don’t have an eating disorder (i.e. anorexia, bulimia, restricting, chewing and spitting) or anything severe, but I DO involve waaaaayy too many things aside from hunger into my eating. I wouldn’t officially call myself a binge-eater either, but I could use a good lesson on when to just STOP from time to time. So I guess you could call my eating “disordered” since I spend way too much time beating myself up about what I’ve eaten and thinking about what is “good” and “bad” and feeling guilty about having “zero self-control” instead of just eating when I’m hungry, stopping when I’m satisfied (not full!) and moving on with my life. I’d like to take 2010 to explore why I always seem to sabotage my best efforts to eat like a normal person.
So those are the MAJOR changes I want to make as I enter my twenties and I’d like to ONLY take a year to get most (of not all) of them figured out. The LAST thing I want is to be this same person I am today in 10 years on the cusp of 2020 and have wasted my twenties hating myself and being out of shape. I. WILL. NOT. LET. THAT. HAPPEN.
Here’s to 365 days of 2010 to get it figured out, or at least make a considerable scratch in the surface. I know a lot of those goals will take time but I definitely know what a difference a year can make.
A year of talk will not make me a better Chanelle.
A year of ACTION will get me closer to where I want to be and farther from making these SAME resolutions on December 31, 2010.
365 more days to make a change; I guess I can only take it one day at a time.
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