Honey, did you find a danish in my pants pocket?
At this point every year, every one- I mean everyone- no matter what kind of shape they are in, were in, or want to be, likes to think that this is the year that everything will be different.
Facebook and Twitter are jam-packed with:
“This is the year that I will change”…
“This year, I will finally run that 10 k”, …
”I signed up for the Half Marathon!”,…
“I love the Wild Rose cleanse!”…
You get the idea.
Then in a few weeks, its all “ Too much wine + too little sleep = McDonalds for breakfast and Dominos for lunch!”
Take that, New Years Resolutions. With a side of hot-fudge-poutine-sundae.
Since we’re all doomed to failure (well, one out of every 100 of us will succeed- yippee) , I figure we might as well have a little bit of fun with that very path to failure we are all planning on traveling along.
So lace up your Asics, New Balance, Nikes, or Tevas, and lets make like Michael Vick and underachieve beyond our wildest imagination.
To help us do so, I’ve looked up some fan-tabulous tips on the wonderful Interweb that can expedite the process.
Let’s begin with “Foods That Help You Lose Weight”:
1. Lettuce - supplies lost cellulose in protein weight loss.
Apparently its better for you if you don’t put it between three slices of bread with special sauce and two burger patties. But really, it just don’t taste the same.
2. Asparagus-supplies vitamins and trace elements for people who lose weight by low-carbohydrate absorption.
Also makes your pee smell really special. I mean, they should make a perfume or something.
3. Zucchini-eliminates dull skin after losing weight.
You know I have great recipe for chocolate zucchini cake? That probably won’t help lose weight either, but hey- it’s the healthiest cake I’ve ever eaten.
4. Tomato-maintains skin elasticity and moisture.
Also makes for a great marinara sauce. Which goes well on pizza, or, in a pinch, combined with ground beef for a beautiful Bolognese. Also not optimum for losing weight… But also tastes deeeliiiccious!!!!
5. Salmon- supplies quality protein for people who lose weight by low-fat method.
Omega-whatta? I just know I love the smell of fish in the morning. Much like Bob Izumi.
6. Strawberries-supply substantial lost vitamins.
Beautiful. Especially when they are coated with a crop duster. Check out the video before you eat another one. I don’t know if I want to know what that chemical was…
7. Low-alcohol Wine-accelerates the metabolism.
I’m sorry, but- what exactly is the point of low alcohol wine??
8. Turkey-low calorie and high in protein.
Mmmmm. Tryptophan. Prepares you for substantial beauty rest.
Well, there you have it. The best trends to try for three days and give up. But hey- look on the bright side! At least we’ll all be doing it together.
DISCLAIMER: THE FOODS LISTED HERE ARE ACTUALLY GOOD FOR YOU. THE ITEMS HERE ARE NOT AWARE OF THIS SLANDEROUS DISCUSSION, SO PLEASE DON’T TELL THEM.
ALSO, NO FRUITS, VEGETABLES, OR TURKEYS WERE HARMED DURING OR AFTER THE WRITING OF THIS BLOG. UNLESS YOU COUNT THE POUND OF CARROTS I ATE THIS MORNING. OR THE ASPARAGUS-PEE PERFUME I’M WEARING.
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