I made a deal with myself, because I was feeling weak. If I could just hold out till 2 o’clock, I would be allowed to eat the pastry in the window sill. It was looking at me with this smug expression, daring me to eat it (you can tell this is completely objective observations, right?). I waited till half past just to make a point.
I brought it over to the table and stared at it. Then I lifted it up to my mouth and took a bite. I was immediately repulsed. I could just taste the fat and butter, imagine the feeling of the roof of my mouth covered in a glaze of defeat.
So I spat it out. I didn’t even manage a chew, just spat it out onto the plate. Then I threw it out. I’m pretty proud of myself. I have only eaten once today at around noon, that single piece of cornbread, and I’m enamored with the feeling of emptiness that seems to have been avoiding me this week. And the last.
I’m reading tons today. Blogs, articles, books – almost whatever I can get my hands on that has even a remote connection to eating disorders. I think I doubled my thinspo collection today with all the photos I’ve stolen from other girls’ blogs. I don’t plan on posting any on my own blog, but I do want to print some of them out and stick in my new ED journal. I lke having something to compare myself to, to aspire to be like. I feel very lucky that my thighs are so much thinner than just a year ago, and that I’m heading in the right direction. My main problem area is the flab on my stomach. I can’t stand my own midsection. I want so bad to be toned and muscular, beautiful and thin with ribs sticking out and muscles visibly working beneath the skin. God, I wish I had a flat stomach.
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