It is there lurking in the darkness. Around the corner. Under the stairs. Waiting.
It has pounced more than I’d like and yet when it does, I am always surprised.
Hunger.
I’m not talking about the casual hunger I have learned to embrace. That feeling of slight deprivation that lets me know I am on track has become a welcome friend. I am also not talking about that nasty habit of wanted to eat out of boredom. That isn’t hunger, just a nasty habit.
That kind of “hunger” has become routinely manageable. Being mindful of my actions seems to be the key. Not to instinctively act on what I am feeling. Not to be impulsive but to have a reasoned response. Am I really hungry? Should I be? Is it time to eat? Thinking it out helps me deal and keeps the regret to a minimum.
The hunger that still haunts me is a deep, primal, animal hunger. It may sound dramatic but it is real. I really haven’t been plagued by this devil in quite a while yet it hit me today with a vengeance. I didn’t have a normal week. I’ve been plagued with on and off sinus issues. The condition taking its toll; coupled with the sinus meds that also take their toll. All in all I made it through maintaining my eating and workout schedule. Friday I felt particularly lousy.
Happily it was my scheduled day off from working out so after work I loaded up on sinus pills and put my feet up. Resting felt good. Saturday morning I awoke still not feeling all that great.
Then came the great internal debate; work out or no? I really didn’t want to face an hour in the pool. Crowds make it is so difficult to swim during the week sometimes that I really hate not to swim when I know I can get in an empty pool; early weekend mornings. So I got ready and got down to the pool. Amazingly I knew immediately I did the right thing. From the first lap it felt great. Afterwards I felt better than I did all week. Yay!
Having had such a great Saturday workout, I didn’t even entertain taking it easy Sunday. In fact I got up and out extra early. The workout today wasn’t difficult but it was kind of boring. My heart rate was great but I kept feeling like I was further along than I was. I guess I was more tired than I allowed myself to admit. Love that 20/20 hindsight!
After my shower and great post workout breakfast I started planning my day.
It didn’t take long, however, for a shadow to fall over my anticipated day. The hunger struck.
Like I said, I hadn’t suffered at its hands lately but when it arrived it was unmistakable. It may start gently enough, but once it arrives it follows its ugly course. There is no stopping it.
This hunger is so deep, so primal, it is unstoppable. I lose all sense of reason. All I know is I must eat and I must eat now. I am also like the Coneheads in that only MASS QUANTITIES will do. Needless to say at times like those my food choices stink, the combos are sometime off the wall and bizarre, and my actions define the word “uncontrollable”.
I’ve learned not be beat myself up over these episodes mainly because they do come so infrequently. I may also be deluding myself but this hunger is so real that I figure it may be coming out of necessity; and therefore not entirely detrimental. Nonetheless these times are very disconcerting and I hate them.
I like to feel like I can have control so losing that ain’t fun.
Maybe someday I’ll get a grip on what precipitates these episodes and I can routinely fend them off. Until then I just have to deal with them like I do every aspect of my weight loss journey; one day at a time, one meal at a time.
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